Officials described the project as a “logical next step” after noticing that, on most days, the train’s 1,500 kilometers of track were primarily used by a rotating cast of two tourists, a mango vendor, and at least one enthusiastic influencer filming a “solo jungle commute” vlog.

The new Teleférico Maya will reportedly stretch across five states, eight ecosystems, and approximately four billion bureaucracy forms. Engineers describe it as a “sustainable aerial ribbon of progress,” though sources confirm that 40 percent of it will be conveniently “under repair” before it opens.

Asked about the environmental impact, officials emphasized the project’s “minimal footprint,” noting that “it only requires cutting down a few trees for support towers, which is still fewer than last time.”

Sources confirmed that preliminary surveys already showed increased public interest—though most respondents believed the project was satire.

At press time, the Secretariat of Tourism unveiled plans to market the new ride as “the most Instagrammable infrastructure project in Latin America,” emphasizing that while it won’t connect Mayan cities by rail, it will offer “unparalleled views of all the archaeological sites we definitely didn’t disturb.”

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Minister of Infrastructure Arístides Rojas praised the achievement in a televised ceremony, stating that “AIFA’s passenger traffic growth rate of 28.6% stands as the highest in national history, technically speaking.”

Government press releases highlighted the monumental feat, noting that among the seven passengers, three were related to airport staff, two were lost Uber drivers, and one mistook AIFA for a museum. “This shows unprecedented engagement with the public,” said Rojas, flanked by a banner reading ‘AIFA: Soaring Into Double Digits.’

Airport management confirmed that modernization efforts are well underway to support the forecasted boom. Plans include hiring an additional security guard and opening a second vending machine “to accommodate demand surges during rush hour — projected between 4:15 and 4:20 PM on a Tuesday in November.” A new rail line from the city center will also cut journey times to just under two and a half days,  which Rojas praised as “nearly as fast as the Conquistadors, when they first made the journey in 1519.”

Economic analysts reacted cautiously. “Nine is ambitious,” said aviation consultant María Vargas. “That’s a 28% increase in throughput. At that scale, supply chains, ticket printers, and morale could all collapse.” Still, government sources insist that AIFA remains the crown jewel of national infrastructure: “By 2030, we could break the double-digit barrier—no other airport will come close… except all of them.”

At press time, the airport reported a mysterious eighth arrival — a pigeon — though officials have yet to confirm if it counts toward the 2026 goal.

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JALISCO, MEXICO — In a move described by local officials as “absolutely not compensating for anything,” the Jalisco State Police rolled out three shiny new Tesla Cybertrucks this week, promising to chase down crime and Instagram likes faster than ever before.

Governor Pablo Lemus Navarro announced the purchase of the Cybertrucks as part of a 678-vehicle upgrade splurge ahead of the 2026 FIFA World Cup, describing the 970 million peso price tag as “pocket change compared to our collective sense of security.” “We need to work hard on security perception,” Lemus said, moments before asking photographers to capture his best angle next to his armored Black Mamba “sort-of-like-tanks.”

U.S. diplomats have praised Jalisco’s fleet on social media, declaring “Jalisco is stepping up into the future,” in a post suspected to be written by a chatbot developed for diplomatic optimism.

Not everyone is impressed. Leaders from the ruling Morena party mocked the fleet, with state president Erika Pérez remarking, “I see this and think Robocop is going to come out.” Congressman Carlos Lomelí demanded more transparency, and asked, “How will this reduce insecurity?” before reportedly getting a free Cybertruck test drive.

Police plan to use the Cybertrucks as mobile command centers, equipped with SpaceX’s Starlink internet “so they can patrol, tweet, and stream soccer matches in glorious 4K, all at the same time.” Tourists visiting Guadalajara, Puerto Vallarta, and Tequila will be safer — or at least “will see the Cybertrucks and feel vaguely safer, which is basically the same thing,” Lemus explained.

The World Cup is expected to bring over five million visitors, who will each have the chance to take a selfie with a Cybertruck. Plans for drone-mounted flamethrowers are currently on hold “pending Elon Musk’s next inspirational tweet.”

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MEXICO CITY — In a bold move to “redefine what it means to suffer in the sky,” Volaris and Viva Aerobus announced plans this week to merge into a single airline, tentatively named Volaribus, with the explicit goal of creating the most agonizing flight experience known to humankind.

Executives from both airlines proudly unveiled their shared vision: “Why have some discomfort when you can have total despair?” said Volaris CEO Enrique Beltránena, unveiling a new aircraft mock-up that features an impressive negative three inches of legroom. “Passengers will be touching knees not only with the person in front of them — but spiritually, with everyone on board.”

Among the announced innovations:

• Carry-on limits reduced to ‘one emotional burden per person.’

• A US $7 fee for blinking too frequently during takeoff.

• New “Human Cargo” seating tiers where passengers are gently stacked for maximum efficiency.

• Complimentary non-reclining seats made from compressed regret and recycled boarding passes.

• ⁠Volaribus’ seating configuration will encourage passengers to get to “know” one another intimately — perhaps even in the biblical sense.

⁠Beltranena further boasted “We’ve done our homework, studying what Spirit Airlines in the U.S. and Ryanair in Europe has brought to those markets, and we are confident we are well-positioned to do worse here in Mexico. And God willing, much, much worse.”

The merged airline also teased its new slogan: “Volaribus: Because You Deserve Worse.”

Volaribus has tapped an outside consulting agency to steer the launch of the new airline — the same firm that guided Air Koryo, North Korea’s flagship airline, through a successful rebranding with unprecedented 110% passenger approval ratings previously unheard of in the travel industry.

Industry analysts are already calling the merger a milestone in aviation history. “They’ve found untapped potential in human misery,” said travel expert Ana Ruiz. “By the time you land, you’ll have paid $600 in hidden fees and lost faith in flight as a concept.”

In an unexpected twist, Ryanair CEO Michael O’Leary publicly congratulated the new airline, admitting he felt “a deep, professional jealousy.”

“I’ve spent decades trying to convince customers they should stand during flights and pay extra to breathe,” O’Leary said. “But these guys — these beautiful bastards — are taking cheapness to levels even I can’t legally achieve. I salute them.”

As a closing statement, the companies promised that all cost savings would go directly toward expanding executive bonuses and installing even smaller tray tables.

“We’re not just merging airlines,” said Viva Aerobus spokesperson Ricardo Bastón. “We’re merging pain, efficiency, and a business model built on passenger tears.”

Shares in the ADO and ETN bus networks were up 8% and 12%, respectively, on the heels of the Volaribus’ announcement.

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Witnesses say the reggaeton icon — real name Benito Antonio Martínez Ocasio — set up the stand after critics “absolutely obliterated” his latest concert tour, which one reviewer described as “like watching a Wi-Fi signal slowly deteriorate with rhythm.”

“I thought it was performance art,” said one local foodie. “But then he handed me a taco al pastor and said, ‘This one’s called Un Verano Sin Salsa.’ I realized… he’s serious.”

Sources close to Bad Bunny confirm that despite the humbling fall from sold-out arenas to a sidewalk griddle, Benito remains upbeat. “He’s channeling the same artistic energy,” one friend said. “He used to drop beats; now he drops onions.”

The stand has already gone viral, with fans eager to sample items like the Me Porto Fajita combo and the limited-edition Titi Me Preguntó Si Quiere Guacamole. Others note that his tipping policy — mandatory reggaeton dance moves for a discount — has become a local sensation.

When asked if he plans to return to music, Bad Bunny reportedly shrugged. “The reviews hurt,” he said, flipping a tortilla with the precision of a Grammy winner. “But here, at least, everyone dances — with or without tickets. And if my next single flops again, I’ll just open a second stand in Guadalajara.”

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The announcement came after Lake Texcoco’s rising waters fully reclaimed the remains of the former airport site. “Nature clearly wants Texcoco back,” said project spokesperson Jorge Daniel Fonseca, standing knee-deep in newly formed wetlands once home to terminal foundations. “So we’re heading to Xochimilco, where water is just a theoretical concept now.”

Landscape architect Iñaki Echeverría, leading the Lake Texcoco restoration, nodded supportively. “We’re turning Texcoco into a thriving wetland while turning Xochimilco into a thriving tarmac. It’s perfect symmetry,” he said, ignoring the sound of fish splashing nearby.

Government engineers remain undeterred, presenting ambitious plans to replace Xochimilco’s longboat rides with “aeronautical trajineras” powered by repurposed jet engines. “The good news is, if it floods, we’ll just call it a ‘traditional’ airport,” one planner said cheerfully.

Locals in Xochimilco expressed mixed feelings. Some welcomed the development, hoping the airplanes might “at least scare away the mosquitoes.”

As part of the sustainable vision, officials promised to name the new site Xochimilco Axolotl International Airport (Take Two) and ensure it’s “completely future-proof” by sitting on at least six layers of reinforced optimism and environmentally friendly heavy metals.

Meanwhile, birdwatchers at Texcoco continue celebrating the return of thousands of migratory species to the newly restored wetlands. “It’s beautiful,” said one, “though we can’t help but wonder where those birds will go once the new flight path runs right through their old home.”

When asked about potential flooding in Xochimilco, an anonymous official responded confidently: “Come hell or high water, it’s probably dryer than the last place we picked.”

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FIFA President Gianni Infantino hailed Trump as “a unifying figure for North American football,” noting that if Canada, Mexico, and the United States can share a World Cup, they can “certainly share one extremely loud striker who refuses to learn the rules.” Trump reportedly agreed to accept the award in Mexico City only after staff assured him “the crowd would be mostly his fans and not the people he said were sending criminals.”​

“No one’s ever scored like that, folks,” said Trump during a post‑match news conference. “I’ve been saying it for years: I have the best kicks. People come up to me, they say, ‘Sir, incredible use of the heel.’ And it’s true — everyone’s talking about it.”

Despite not appearing in any official matches beyond the brief incident, tournament organizers defended the decision, citing “unprecedented media engagement.”

Teammate Christian Pulisic reportedly described the moment as “inevitable,” adding, “He didn’t play soccer; soccer just gave up and let him win.”

Meanwhile, Trump’s campaign team has already rebranded the accomplishment into a new slogan for 2026: “Make America Kick Again.” Merchandise includes limited‑edition red cleats, each autographed with a Sharpie and guaranteed to “score, bigly.”

When asked about the next World Cup, Trump hinted at bigger plans: “We might hold it at Mar‑a‑Lago. Much nicer grass. Much classier referees. Everybody says FIFA loves me — and they do.”

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WASHINGTON, D.C. —  In yet another bold display of unconventional diplomacy, U.S. President Donald Trump announced Monday that he is “absolutely, one-hundred-percent open” to delivering holiday gifts directly to Mexican drug cartel leaders, insisting the initiative has nothing to do with intimidation and everything to do with spreading goodwill across borders.

“Would I launch strikes in Mexico? Sure, that’s OK with me,” Trump told reporters, pausing in the Oval Office to check off items on his holiday shopping list titled ‘Addresses of Mexico’s Most Wanted — For Festive Purposes Only.’ “People think I know all the cartels’ addresses because of national security, but really, I just want to know where to send Christmas gifts for the kids and flowers to their wives. It’s how you build ties, folks.”

The president emphasized that his administration’s detailed knowledge of every drug lord’s residential coordinates is purely for “surprise holiday delivery purposes,” including luxury gift baskets and what he described as “really beautiful, top-quality poinsettias”.​

Trump assured the public his administration’s knowledge of every drug lord’s home isn’t just about “knowing their front door for military reasons” — it’s so he can surprise their loved ones with luxurious fruit bouquets and copies of ‘The Art of the Deal’ signed in glitter pen.​

He was also quick to note that much of the narcotics entering the U.S. “come through Mexico,” and that recently imposed tariffs on Mexican imports are simply his way of “encouraging better Secret Santa participation” across the border.​

Mexico’s President Claudia Sheinbaum responded by publicly affirming that foreign gift-delivery services must coordinate with Mexican customs authorities, but did not rule out the possibility of “exchanging fruitcakes” at future diplomatic summits.​

When pressed about whether the U.S. gift initiative would include wrapping paper, Trump reportedly replied, “Only the best wrapping paper. Gold. Very festive”.

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According to Pentagon insiders, the “heavily armed galleon-style vessel” was first flagged by analysts after TikTok videos surfaced showing passengers cheering during an abnormally realistic cannon fight and suspiciously abundant rum-based cocktails. “Frankly, it checked every box for cartel activity: wooden ship, pirates, fireworks, unlicensed sword fights, and untaxed Mai Tais,” Hegseth explained during a press conference held outside Señor Frog’s.

Eyewitnesses say the strike occurred just as the pirate actors began their nightly “surrender or walk the plank” skit, which, due to the missile, turned out to be more interactive than usual. “The whole ship started tilting — I thought it was part of the dinner show, until the waiters began yelling, ‘Abandon ship!’ instead of ‘Last call for daiquiris!’” recalled one shaken but well-fed tourist.

The U.S. government confirmed that it will continue to dispense justice, American-style, whenever the need arises. When pressed on the possibility of future strikes, he replied, “Let this be a warning: if you’re mixing pirates, pyrotechnics, and all-you-can-eat surf-and-turf — freedom may strike when you least expect it.”

Though no tourists were harmed, Hegseth hailed the mission as proof that “no vessel is too whimsical, nor any tourist’s vacation too sacred, to be left untouched by American firepower.”

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Company executives claimed the initiative aims to “bring affordable tubs of guacamole and 4-liter bottles of sunscreen directly to where they’re most spiritually needed.” The new branch will feature ocean-view forklift parking and a members-only swim-up food court offering $1.50 hot dogs served on biodegradable surfboards.

“We’re bringing convenience to paradise,” said Costco spokesperson Maribel Gómez, proudly standing where sea turtles once nested. “Imagine sipping coconut water while comparing prices on 48-pack toilet paper under the radiant Caribbean sun. That’s progress.”

Company officials say the drive-thru bulk-buy palace will “blend seamlessly with the local environment,” thanks to a planned 40-meter façade featuring a mural of Kirkland Signature products riding dolphins. Construction crews will bulldoze a “reasonable number” of palm trees to make room for the store’s hot dog stand, double-decker parking garage, and state-of-the-art sand-resistant tire center.

“We know Mexico’s population is growing, and so is the need for 120-packs of AA batteries,” said Mauricio Talayero, Costco Mexico’s finance director. “If the ancient Maya returned, they’d probably want a bulk vat of guac for their next ballgame. That’s just economic progress.” Talayero shrugged off critics who question whether towering warehouse stores belong beside places usually reserved for iguanas and Instagrammers, vowing to continue the company’s expansion “despite the authorities, despite the USMCA renegotiations, and despite not finding an extra-large beach umbrella that meets our strict quality standards.”

In its boldest move since introducing free samples of lukewarm pizza, Costco has also revealed its plan to cement its concrete legacy directly atop Mexico’s most cherished cultural and natural landmarks: smack next to the Parroquia church in San Miguel de Allende.

​Locals voiced concerns about traffic and the acoustic power of Costco’s opening-day mariachis echoing off centuries-old church walls. However, a representative explained that every shopper will receive a commemorative sandcastle bucket and a “Buy 1 Get 48” coupon for communion wafers.

Analysts predict that these developments mark the beginning of a new era where Tulum’s sea turtles and San Miguel’s parishioners alike can finally unite in the noble pursuit of bulk mayonnaise and discounted patio furniture.

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